On my mother's deathday
On my mother’s deathday, I ask myself:
How do I feel?
What have I learnt?
Where do I go ?
From a sense of depression, inward exploration to rising up to the top of the wave and outward expression. It's been a journey for the past few days colliding with my moon cycle which has opened me up even more . I felt empty, drained and tired at times, and at other times, there was a glimpse of realization, lighting up the whole night sky. I danced, sang, meditated and walked barefoot in the forest, connecting, receiving. I looked back to some old photos, remembering the things that she loved, such as travel, beautiful clothes, stones, and family. Trying to pick up the pieces that were forgotten and a sense of curiosity rose about how she was before I was born. Did I really know her? guess not, Only fragments of her stay with me. But some of them are like gemstones, shaped who I am now and continue to guide me in this lifetime.
Mom, from the years we have been together, I realized that work can’t take over our lives. I witnessed how hardworking you were and how much you have sacrificed for work. So I quit my 9 to 5 to explore what I truly wanted to do and how to do it with ease and balance. Now I’m really happy. Not because I have found my path. But because every step I am taking is conscious now, I will ask myself is that where I want to go? Am I balanced? Then after a firm yes, I will plant my foot with no doubt. Thank you Mother for helping me get rid of the unconscious working pattern so many of us are in. Prioritize life over work.
Because your marriage was turbulent in the end, it made me question what love, attachment and marriage truly is. It led me to the place I am now, being with a partner that offers me the freedom and support, someone who is open with communication and on the same path of spiritual expansion instead of being together solely for survival and security. Your death has taught me to express freely, again not bound by society norms and fears. Let go of what is no longer serving regardless of what others might think. I have grown to be more and more courageous and my generation is blessed with the freedom that was hard to imagine for your generation.
You also loved to travel. You were hiking big mountains while I was in your belly and was waiting for your retirement years to do more of that. But death came first. So now I no longer hesitate between travel and work. What feels more in alignment with my growth and expansion always comes first at the moment of choice. My sagittarius spirit is taking me to places and let work flow with the travel. We can have both now, actualize our outer purpose with exploring new lands.
Mom, I remember how much you adorn beauty. So many gorgeous outfits, gemstones. I wonder in your heart of hearts if you held the spirit of a creative artist. If she didn’t choose the capricornian career of an accountant, perhaps you would have become a designer of some sort? It’s interesting to look at you this way as if dreaming of the possibilities of a future child, in a reversed way. Past, present and future are not linear anyways. At this moment, it feels like they coexist in a web.
Thank you! Thank you mother for all the precious lessons of death. I felt deeply loved and held in all these years of growing up because of you and I will continue to spread this loving energy outward to all my relations and mother earth.
Death is a gift, in which we unite and we evolve.
